dunno...

Something is terribly wrong with this world. The bubble that surrounds me today is overflowing with god forsaken lame bastards. They suffocate me. Its not that I care about them but their sheer numbers continuously defines my way of life. The music is contaminated, the movies n now even books are being written for these pea brained masses. Its pretty amazing to actually note how their idiocy makes them to believe things ...love, religion, politics, friendship. The way mediocrity overwhelms them with greatness. The way they can be persuaded to look for meaning in otherwise non existent places. Love for them succeeds only in case of a mutual misunderstanding. They are in a true sense “secondaries” of god’s creation living as a majority. But why is it so? Arent these secondaries supposed to be wiped of the gene pool on account of their impotent brains and not the under developed genetalia as the great dictator once attempted to in the late thirties.
What am i trying to get at from this. I dont actually want them to be castrated and sent to concentration camps. But am sick of trying to be a part of them.

The Dreamer.....

I love the fact that one’s mind is a place you can escape to. When you’re going through a rough patch, you can always run away to that one happy place in your head and block out reality. Our imagination is like a little piece of clichéd heaven… it might not make anything easier but it sure as hell makes you feel good and gives you that peace of mind for a little while…
You know you’re lying or think you’d come off as a pansy if you admit it- but everyone I know, thinks or dreams of the future right before you go to bed. They might be the things you’re going to do tomorrow or the preparation for your wedding day many years from now… everyone does it! You do it at every free second that you manage to steal from the usual tiring routine. You can make an entire lifetime of memories that you want to- in your head… like sandcastles in the clouds…. (Not sure if that’s the right metaphor :p)
Dreaming is fun… anyone can do it…its not like you require a particular skill or something… no thought is too far-fetched or too ambitious… you can dream of being an awesome pianist, a singer on Indian idol,Paris Hilton’s dog, the lady who design’s the Jimmy Choo shoes etc, etc… (As long as you don’t get too delusional, you’ll be okay… :p)
You don’t feel foolish for fantasizing of these things… because they’re private. Other people might be a part of these day-dreams and stupid fantasies but they’re yours exclusively…

Our dreams are always bigger than us… letting go of the unrealistic ones or holding on to the foolish ones doesn’t make you any smaller…

BEING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes we need people to show us our reflection- to show us the good things about us that we leave on the back burner and focus on the negative aspects and beat ourselves up over it for all eternity. These negative things are only as big as the importance that you give them. Dwell on them forever and it’s as good as getting it branded into your bones. Forget about it five minutes after it happens, and it’s erased at that very instant.
Have you ever wondered how certain people you know, do the most awful things and are still able to sleep peacefully at night? You think to yourself-“God! If I had done a quarter of the things that he/she had done, I would’ve killed myself ages ago!” The difference between these people and you is that they don’t dwell on these unpleasant things as long as you do. And you start to wonder about your strengths as a person- falling apart over things that are really not that big.

Everybody has a person who is their mirror that shows them the things that are admirable about them. They are there to remind you that you don’t completely suck, that you deserve more than the crappy hand that you were dealt and in a way it becomes your consolation for a while.
This sort of answers the question above. Those people are able to get over those awful things that they did and sleep peacefully at night because they have people telling them how awesome they are. You have people telling you that you’re awesome too but the only difference is that those other people believe it and you don’t. Therefore you continue to fall apart over things, that in theory, aren’t really that big and they move on from experiences that are far more devastating.
It has nothing to do with strength or character or anything like that. It is your reflection that makes it that way –the way you perceive yourself, the way others perceive you and perceptions that you choose to take in and the ones you choose to leave out.

Being Somebody...

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve wanted to do something. Something worthwhile, that would make people stop and admire my work. You know, make a name for myself. I didn’t want to be just anybody. I wanted to be somebody.

I remember watching Jurassic Park as a kid and thinking to myself, “Someday, I’m gonna be a paleontologist.” I told that to my mom. What did she say about that? “Paleontologist? hmmmm. Next time when you watch Superman and tell me you want to be him next!!”... and so I did.

Twelve years on, I’m not a paleontologist. Neither am I Superman. Batman would’ve seemed a more realistic dream, but what the heck did I know about building a Batmobile then? I’m still not who I want to be. My life so far has been one roller coaster ride of joy, sadness, pain, excitement, alcohol, death, hate and love; dejection and vodka go so well together.

I see people around me, but do they really exist? Lying, cheating bitching, backstabbing; “Fake” is what defines society today. Friends are the people you’re supposed to depend upon when you’re in need? No thanks. In the words of the not-so-great Nicholas Cage portraying the kind-of-cliché-but-cool Cameron Poe in the movie Con Air, “Sorry boss, but there’s only two men I trust. One of them's me. The other's not you.” Damn, I love that movie.

Call me a loner, a cynic. I am. I just don’t see the point in putting all your trust in people who wouldn’t take a bullet for you even after you did for them. Too scared of their own limitation. What limitations? Limitations only exist when you create them for yourselves. You need courage to be your own person.

So where am I getting at with all of this? Well, here’s a hint: Grow up. People make mistakes. Who doesn’t? Some people make the same mistake over and over again. And again. And again. Case in point – Me. It took me 12 months to realize what a prick I had been. But in the end I did come to that realization. I did confront myself. And I’ve changed. I’m not a prick anymore. I’m not asking you to be my BFF either. Just accept me. Acknowledge my existence.

But wait, don’t get all emo just yet, I’m not done.

So, finally, here I am now, sorry for my mistake, happy to be alive and ready to face my future. Alone? If I have to. I’m glad I made those mistakes. I’m glad I hurt those people. I’m glad those people hurt me. I’m glad to be the only person I trust. I’m glad I’m not Superman. Because if it wasn’t for all of that, I wouldn’t be here right now. At this juncture of my life. Letting go. Being free. Being somebody.

Friend or Foe? Or just other people?

I have always been very careful with the word 'friends'. There are people, and then there are friends. People come, people go. But, friends come and nourish you with a value, get nourished in return and stay as a part of you. It doesn't matter how long the companionship lasts. It doesn't matter what they do for you, and what they don't, until you are sure they possess the value you adore. You might not talk on the phone for long hours, you might not meet everyday to say hi, you might not remember their birthday. But, it wouldn't matter.


I believe that the kind of friends one chooses defines his self. If one looks for a value, I am sure he has one part of him that adores that value and so eventually the value becomes a part of him.


They say friends are like the shadow. I cannot seem to agree. Friends are more like mirrors. Mirrors of what goes on in your mind. They reflect what you like. They might not reflect you; and this is very important to know. We need not be similar to the people we like; if it were so, we could as well have no friends at all. We might always have common interests; after all there needs to be a platform to interact and understand.


Love, is another such thing. Its like the second most misunderstood term after GOD. I heard this word more than ten times in the last twenty four hours. From some mad-forwarded SMS to scroll through to the lame RJs on the radio, everyone wants to define love and be influenced by it. Everyone seems to want to love. Everyone seems to want to be loved. Loved for what, why and how, we don't seem to clarify to ourselves. Love seems to be in the air, and every other wrong place. We love people for who they are, and that is a moral necessity.


What we love is again a mirror to how we think. And just saying "I love you. Please love me too." doesn't evolve into actually loving. And what in hell kind of a statement was that?! How could people love on request?


It isn't surprising that I find myself out-of-place with such remarks and language. I have always felt it. What is surprising is the remarkable level of foolishness around, that only seems to grow with unbound acceleration, second by second. I can't help but think about it.


I can't help but write about it.

Refrigerator n Studies dont go together

is it just me, or a common habit, everytime u study near the fridge, u tend to get up every now and then, open the refrigerator, check out for something to eat and close it back again knowing that there was nothing there last time u checked also?

Practical, irresponcible or callous

I checked my bike’s handle for the third time to ensure there were no stains and entered my house finally. I remembered someone telling me “For everything there is a first time” but this first experience, I had today was not a pleasant one!!! I was totally exhausted, shocked and preoccupied with random thoughts, because of this particular “first experience”. I went straight to the wash-basin and started to wash the blood stains off my hands. Water and blood started to flow with a very characteristic color and smell. As I was watching that, the realization that, the blood flowing off my hands was not mine, and the fact that it belonged to a total stranger gave a very painful and odd feeling.

I slowly washed my face and looked into the mirror. Having always assumed that I would grow up into a responsible citizen, my own reflection in the mirror appeared like a stranger. It seemed as though the reflection in the mirror was questioning me “did you do the right thing today??” .The look with which my reflection stared at me was terrifying . And it all happened again. The scene I had witnessed today unfolded itself as though my mind was just waiting for me to shut my eyes.

I was riding my bike at a decent speed in a street highly crowded with people doing their festive shopping. Everyone were in their “Own world” with high festive spirits. I thought to myself “just because the people are doing their shopping and enjoying the celebrations of dussera why should they turn deaf to all the horns honking around? Why don’t they realize they are not walking on the platforms and thereby causing disturbance to the traffic?”

I moved a little away from the platform towards the divider, where the vehicles were moving at better speeds. Immediately the bus driver behind me honked the horn at full blast and I returned back to one corner of the road and the bus sped past me. I was staring at the bus with anger on the driver and suddenly a hand appeared out of the window behind the driver seat and she (bangles were visible) threw away a polythene cover, ignoring the fact that the bus is moving inside the city in a crowded street. The cover rapidly blew away by the wind reached the rear of the bus and got stuck in the face of the rider(Mr.X) beside me.

And all of a sudden things went chaotic. Sudden brakes, screeching tyres, and people screaming everywhere!! As I moved towards the platform and stopped my bike to look back, lot of things had happened. Mr.X had tried to remove the cover stuck on his face and lost control of his bike and fell down and a car which had come behind him skidded to a halt and there was a chain accident with 3 cars colliding and 2-3 bike riders losing control and falling.

I immediately ran towards Mr.X, and was the first to reach him. The car had not run over him, it had stopped just in time but due to the impact of the cars behind it(chain accident ) the car had forced him between its wheels and the divider rods!!! He had suffered major bruises and was bleeding badly but thankfully he was still breathing. I checked out if I can stop the bleeding by tying a hand kerchief, but in vain. I looked around and saw a policeman come running towards the scene. He called control room for help.

Then he looked at me and asked “do you know him??”

“NO”

“Did you see what happened??”

Yes I had seen it totally but what did I reply ?? “No sir. I am just trying to be of some help… I mean… some first aid stuff”. And the justification “I have to go and pick dad up, he will be waiting for me”, “what will mom say if she gets to know that I am in the police station giving witness to such a case?” ,“do I have to appear at the court giving witness and stuff?? No, I cant!! I have to go back to college on Friday” just like any irresponsible man in the streets.

“Clear off. Let me do my work. you don’t get involved in such mess or else we will have to call you for enquiry and stuff.”

I wanted to shout “Mr.X is my relative, ill accompany him to the hospital. I know what happened. Stop that bus. The culprit totally unaware what damage she had just caused is moving away in that bus.” And a number of other things, but all that I could manage was a faint “ok sir”, and I moved out.

A simple act of littering had cost such huge damage. And the person responsible was totally unaware of it. Yes, people do throw things here and there they don’t look for dustbins. But atleast, why don’t they look out before they throw things out of the window of a vehicle.

I could hold it no more. I opened my eyes. The reflection of me still had a questioning look on its face. “Did you do the right thing today??” may be I should have acted in a more responsible way, by informing his family and stuff. But its all over now. There is nothing that I can do now. I don’t even know whether Mr.X is alive now!!! If he is alive “Get well soon”, else “may his soul rest in peace”. Is this the reality?? Am I being practical, irresponisible or merely callous?? “Some facts are hard to digest”!!! I justified myself telling that I was realistic!!!