Rarely things in life are dramatic enough to let you know they changed you. They tend to happen in a short time span or a period that you can clearly define. As teens we stammer our way through life. Unsure of our emotions and fairly oblivious to getting hurt that with years leads us to develop a defence mechanism against anything and everything that might remotely matter or cause us pain. It’s the foolishly ambitious nature that makes falling in love , making pacts with friends to be ”friends forever “ and that absolute belief in self that I can do anything I put my heart into, so easy that early in life. But the years that follow teaches us to build this fortress around us that no girl can breach, we realise friends come in phases and have to leave with time (enriching our lives in their own unique way nevertheless) and there is admittance of the limitations that come with our abilities. Is ignorance really bliss? Aren’t we better off foolish?
I remember making lemonade with six teaspoons of sugar (not kidding). Now I often enjoy a coffee black and without sugar. If I was at liberty to choose my likes – I would prefer to like that syrupy lemonade over a black coffee. Why ?? Seems more fun now doesn’t it. The cheeni kum philosophy has come to represent everything that has made life so bland. Now what can one say, I seem to be in conflict at what makes sense and what should make sense.
I have found myself to refuse to “love” someone I have come to deeply like over time. I just can’t get myself to act romantic after all these years I have come to criticise the idea of romantic love. At one moment all that gooey mushy talk seems just right and the very next my head is like “are you serious”. Damn my defence mechanism. It’s good. Why can’t I just be normal for this one thing. You reach that point where you are struggling to be honest with yourself and yet you fail to get the right answers. It’s this deeply cynical stance I tend to take when it comes to anything that promises to bring marked happiness .I refuse to be hopeful even if the tables are turned in my favour. If only I could get myself to jump to an orbital above or below (don’t much care if it’s stable or not). I am stranded somewhere in between and sure as hell missing out on something extraordinary to say the least.
Then what changed me so beyond repair. It would really help if I could put the blame somewhere. Then I could criticise it enough to undo myself. Were it the guys I hung out with making fun of the couples in college (especially the lame desperate ones), were it the shitty chick flicks whose trend has spread like herpes in the recent times or is it Chetan Bhagat for writing those books that are solely responsible for branding engineering colleges as a romantic utopia, all in for love and revolt. Well I don’t consider myself lucky enough to start blaming as of now. Is it supposed to be this confusing? Ted (HIMYM ref) says when the time is right you would just know. See I have opened myself enough to take advice from a nonsensical PBS sitcom. I don’t think it can get any better or worse #poeticbullcrap. However, its 5:06 in the morning and the time now is for my steaming cup of chai, with of course Kum Cheeni.
